GOALS AND DISAPPOINTMENTS

By: Susan Hickey 

Have you ever set out to achieve a goal, gave it all you had, and still fell short?  It happens to many of us.  Disappointment is a part of life.  The Greek philosopher Epictetus said it first, and probably best, in the well-known statement:  ““It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”  

I have had successes on my fitness journey, but plenty of disappointments too. In 2018, I wanted to get back to speed work after my successful 2017 marathon gave me a boost of self-confidence.  My half-marathon personal record (PR) was 2:09.  So, in the spring of 2018, I decided to shoot for 2:05 at the Xenia Half-Marathon.  About a week before the event, it was clear that the PR wasn’t happening.  My paces weren’t improving like I had hoped.  It was frustrating, but I refocused myself on pacing a friend (with her permission) to her PR of 2:15.  We succeeded in meeting her goal, and it was a proud moment for me.  But part of me felt the twinge of disappointment that my personal goal was still out there.  

After a successful first ultramarathon in the fall and time off in the winter, it was time to begin training for my next race, the Rite-Aid Cleveland Half-Marathon.  This time, I decided to try a plan that I was curious about – based off a book called Run Less, Run Faster by Bill Pierce, Scott Murr and Ray Moss.  After a week or two following this plan, a friend asked me one day what my Cleveland goal was.  I gulped, and responded:  “2:05.”  That made it official.   

Following the plan was challenging and even brutal at times.  However, as I continued to hit every pace and interval it required for my goals, my confidence increased.  One day I went out for a 7 mile tempo run and ran my fastest 10k ever.  A couple weeks later, I ran my fastest mile, nearly breaking into the 7 minute mile category.  My running friends told me it was a matter of time until I “crushed” my goal, and I believed it was possible.  I even ran a 13 mile training run and purposely stopped before 13.1 so that I could save the “real thing” for race day.  I ran that training run in just over 2:05. 

Then, race week came.  The warm, humid forecast definitely wasn’t favorable.  I refreshed my app every hour hoping for a slight drop in forecasted temperature or humidity, cheering when I saw one and cursing when the forecast got warmer.  It became clear that we were going to face conditions that I had not trained in yet this year.   

Race morning arrived.  I stood in my corral, loosening up, trying to calm the noise in my head, and praying for the safety of everyone on the course.  I told myself that no matter what, I had trained, I had rested, and I had hydrated.  There was nothing left to be done. 

I got off to a good start, despite the crowds, until I tripped and fell at mile 2.  It was a minor mishap, and thankfully, the runner behind me let me know I'd ripped my bib off in the process. It took a minute to re-attach, but I was still on track. 

 
About mile 6 there was a large hill on the supposedly flat and fast course. That had to be the worst of it, right? Nope, a repeat hill at mile 7. At that point, it was getting hotter (nearly 80 degrees), and harder to breathe with 60% humidity, and I needed to make some decisions about the race. Despite working so hard toward my goal, I knew realistically that in the end, it's just a race.  

 
The goal became to finish without getting injured, and it was evident that people around me felt similarly. At mile 10 I took off my stretchy headband and literally crumpled it up in my hands, squeezing dripping sweat onto the road.  
I spent the second half of the race in my head. Thinking how blessed I was to have two legs to be able to toe the starting line. Thinking how could I possibly get to the finish line any faster - and knowing that even though I was giving it all I had, it just wasn't my day. Knowing that I had friends tracking me on the course, and wondering what they would think when I didn't cross the finish line when I thought I would. Knowing that I didn’t want to disappoint those who believed in me.   

Immediately after finishing the race, I got a congratulatory IM from a friend who had already finished.  That was when I learned about the tragedy that I had narrowly missed witnessing – a 22 year old runner who collapsed within a half mile of the finish line and experienced cardiac arrest, just about 15 minutes in front of me.  Hearing that news reaffirmed that I made the right choice in running conservatively.  I was thankful to have the chance to someday run another race. 

My young kids, of course, wanted to know, if I “won” the race.  The answer I gave them was, “No, Mommy didn’t win.  But she tried her very hardest as she always does, and she will work really hard to get ready for the next one, too.”  I hope that message sinks deeply into their little hearts.  

2018 Boston Marathon champion Desiree Linden finished in the top 10 four times and missed winning in 2011 by just two seconds before finally winning it all in a bitterly cold and rainy 2018 race.  Prior to winning Boston, she tweeted this on March 5, 2018:  

Some days it just flows and I feel like I’m born to do this, other days it feels like I’m trudging through hell. Every day I make the choice to show up and see what I’ve got, and to try and be better. 
 
My advice: keep showing up.#MondayMotivaton#TogetherForward 

— des_linden (@des_linden)   

I believe I am capable.  I’m not giving up.  I will work harder, train harder, and I will show up come November at the Honor Run Half Marathon.